A Taste of Splendour
by orianna-2000
Summary: Sarah Jane wasted her life waiting for the Doctor. When he sees the same devotion in Rose, the Doctor makes the hardest decision of his life. But what if he's made a mistake?


_This is a non-profit work of fan-fiction based upon the television series _Doctor Who_. All related characters, places, and events, belong to the BBC, and Russell T. Davies, used without permission. This story, with all original content, belongs to the author, © 2007._

* * *

_**A Taste of Splendour**_**  
by Orianna2000**

_ Spoilers for _School ReunionGirl in the FireplaceThe Age of Steel_, and _The Idiot's Lantern.

_-oo-O-oo- _

_"You know what the most difficult thing was? ... We get a taste of that splendour—and then we have to go back." —Sarah Jane Smith_

-oo-O-oo-

Sarah Jane looked at me across the little table. I stared back, stunned. What was she going on about? Supernovas and intergalactic battles... I'd left her with something exceptional to fuel the rest of her life with; a glimpse of the universe to remind her that there is nothing more precious than ordinary people living ordinary lives. Yet now she complained that she'd had difficulty coping with a mundane life?

All along, I'd imagined that she'd find someone special to live the rest of her days with, that she wouldn't look back. Yet she said, "I waited for you. I missed you."

"You didn't miss me," I tried to protest. "You were getting on with your life!"

"You _were_ my life," she replied succinctly.

And I knew that somewhere, somehow, I had made a mistake.

The truth now stared me in the face—she hadn't ever moved on. Sarah Jane had never forgiven me for leaving her behind and she'd never stopped waiting for me to come back for her. How could I have guessed?

It hurt me to go on without my companions, sure, but they had rich lives waiting for them, and I always found plenty of things to distract myself with. I always found someone new to keep me company. Not once had I considered what it might be like for them to be alone, to go on with their ordinary lives after having been with me. I was nothing special after all, just another Time Lord traveling the universe.

Now I knew that Sarah Jane had waited for me to come back. Always watching for a glimpse of blue out of the corner of her eye, always listening for the peculiar sound of the TARDIS, always expecting the man she loved to return and take her back to the life she craved.

Sarah Jane Smith loved me. Because of that, she'd wasted half her life.

How many other companions of mine felt the same way? How many other lives had I ruined? Not many of them had fallen in love with me, but still, I had plucked them out of their common lives, shown them so much _more_... and then left them behind to rot, stuck in one place and one time, for the rest of their lives.

My God, how they must hate me!

Nausea rose in my stomach. I needed to think about all this. I needed to find a way to stop it from happening again. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. Not sweet Sarah Jane, not Mickey the Idiot, and certainly not Rose.

My Rose—the girl who'd turned into a woman before my eyes. Rose certainly had come into her own while traveling with me. The way she'd stood up to the Sycorax proved that. My brave, wonderful Rose. She could do anything now. She didn't need me...

Except, she did.

I saw it in her eyes, every time she looked at me. I heard it in her voice, whenever she said my name. I hadn't wanted to acknowledge it, but she loved me. Not like Sarah Jane—not in a shy, admiring way, where I could do no wrong. No, Rose's love burned. She'd been through so much with me. She knew my past, she knew what I'd done to end the Time War, and she knew the sort of life I now led. She had even watched me change into another person before her eyes—yet still she loved me. More than that, she'd risked her life, risked _everything_ to save me from the Daleks, proving herself so much more than just an average human girl. Her love burned, a steady flame that gave her strength.

How I longed to bask in that brilliant warmth forever.

But we didn't have forever. Oh, I tried to pretend that we did. I let myself believe that anything could happen where love was concerned. But now I had to deal with reality. Yes, I could keep her with me forever, but only if I watched her wither and die. I'd lost everything once; Rose had saved me from that hell. Could I stand by and watch her turn to dust?

When Rose confronted me on the sidewalk in front of the café, I could see the hurt in her eyes. She'd heard how I'd left Sarah Jane behind and she imagined me doing the same to her in the future. She didn't know that I loved her too much to ever let her go. She didn't know that it would kill me to lose her. All she knew is that she thought she'd known exactly where we stood with each other and now her cozy illusion had been shattered.

It would have been so easy to reassure her, to let the words slip out and be done with it. To tell her that I loved her and we'd always be together. But I couldn't say them. I couldn't let her have that false hope.

"You can spend the _rest of your life_ with me," I said, feeling hollow. "But I _can't_ spend the rest of mine with you. I have to live on—alone. That's the curse of the Time Lords."

My words wounded her. I could feel her pain; my hearts mirrored it. Such would surely be payment for the way I had treated my previous companions. For once, I would be the one on the receiving end. So be it.

In spite of this, Rose didn't leave me. After we'd dispatched the Krillotane, the stubborn child boarded the TARDIS as though nothing had happened. At first, I felt a surge of pride and gratitude, but I knew we couldn't go on as we had been. My hearts sank as I realized what I had to do.

Rose would not abandon me... so I had to make her leave me. It would be better that way. I wanted her to be able to forget, to move on with her life. The longer she stayed, the harder it would be for her to let go.

I had to hurt her, deliberately. I had to make her _want_ to leave, and in such a way that she would never look back—I had to break her heart, before it was too late.

-oo-O-oo-

When Mickey asked to come along, I wanted to refuse. Rose's ex-boyfriend on the TARDIS? Distracting her, coming between us, perhaps even wooing her? My hearts protested, but the treacherous voice in my head said that it might be a good idea. Rose herself mouthed, "No!" at me, and that decided it. With a heavy stone in my stomach, I cheerfully invited Mickey to join the team. If nothing else, he could comfort her when I smashed her hopes forever.

We made a quick hop over to the Powell Estates so that Mickey could get a few necessities. Even before the TARDIS doors opened, I could see Rose gearing up for a loud conversation, so I clapped my hands. "So! Let's pop on over to Jackie's, why don't we? Mickey, you can meet us there once you've packed, and we'll all have tea. What d'you say?"

Before long, we were all seated around Jackie's living room, and I'd already started planning small ways to tarnish myself in Rose's eyes. More than that, I'd begun building a wall around my hearts to keep my love firmly suppressed, so that it wouldn't hurt so much when I broke her heart.

"I can't say I'm disappointed that Mickey's finally going traveling with you lot. _Someone's_ got to keep an eye out! Who knows what trouble you'll find yourselves in next," Jackie said, shaking her head as she poured the tea. "Just don't go off and leave him somewhere awful, all right? Knowing the both of you, you'll get caught up in something exciting and forget all about poor Mickey. And he deserves better than that!"

"Mum! Who do you think we are, anyway? We're not going to forget about Mickey, all right? Besides, he can handle himself."

"Oh, yes," I chipped in. "Good thinking with the car, that was. I never would have thought to drive right through the glass doors. Brilliant job! It's a bit warm in here, isn't it? Unseasonable—must be global warming. And speaking of heat, did I ever tell you about the time I landed in ancient Egypt? 42 B.C., right in the middle of a heat wave? There were three things that were hot, right there. The sun, naturally, and Cleo herself. _Beautiful_ woman, just stunning, really. No wonder everyone was fighting over her. And then there's the political intrigue with Rome, and of course I got right into the thick of that. Had to, really, seeing as how Cleo's current lover was actually host to a goa'uld—nasty parasite species. Megalomaniacs, they are. Attach to your brain, submerge your personality, and then set themselves up as local gods..."

"Wait," Mickey cut in, his eyes gleaming. "Cleo—d'you mean Cleopatra? As in, _Cleopatra_? You _know_ Cleopatra?"

"I certainly do! Well, when I say _know_, I mean _got introduced to_. And when I say _introduced_, I mean _danced with at a royal function_. Quite the party-throwers, those Egyptians were! Shame I forgot to bring any bananas, could've really shaken things up, eh?" I grinned at Mickey and tried not to see the odd expression on Rose's face.

"So, where was I? Right, Cleopatra. Lovely woman, as I said. Smart, too, in seducing the enemy, though I never did understand what she saw in Marc Antony. And what was up with all those snakes? Woman must've had a fetish." I shuddered for good effect. "But, she gave good conversation. Something of a flirt, especially after a few glasses of mead. Did I mention she was an excellent _senet_ player? Of course, it was always safer to let her win, all things considered."

"And how long were you there before you were running for your life?" Rose asked suddenly.

I raised my eyebrows. "What makes you think I ended up running away?"

She gave me a look, which I interpreted as,_ Because, I know you._

"Right, well..." I tugged at one earlobe. "There was just a bit of a misunderstanding with the royal guards... nothing too serious, really. Just meant I had to leave earlier than I'd planned..."

Rose smiled. "I knew it! Didn't I just say so?"

"Oh, come on! I'd like to see you racing across the desert in nothing but a loincloth with a legion of Romans chasing after you. See how funny you think it is then!" I took an indignant sip of tea, not sure if I'd succeeded in making Rose uncomfortable or not.

-oo-O-oo-

My next chance came sooner than I expected. Everyone chooses to visit the future for their first adventure; Mickey proved no exception. We landed somewhere around the year 5,000, on a derelict spaceship. Mickey seemed thrilled.

I'd begun to notice a change in Rose. I tried to treat her as though she were anyone else: no constant hand-holding, no enthusiastic hugs, no long gazes into each other's eyes followed by irrepressible grins. She gave me the occasional odd look, but had yet to comment on the lack of physical contact. I continued with the wild tales, and it seemed that all the romantically slanted stories of past companions and people I'd met made her uncomfortable, even jealous.

I hated to do it. I hated what I did next even more.

When is a derelict spaceship _just_ a derelict spaceship? Only when I'm not around. The ship turned out to have several portals to the eighteenth century, all focused around the life of one Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson. When I crossed over to her time to investigate, I certainly didn't expect the young lady to kiss me like she did... but upon returning to the ship, I took the opportunity to brag about being snogged by Madame de Pompadour herself.

Later, I returned from an evening at Versailles, watching Jeanne-Antoinette woo the king of France. It had been an intoxicating evening, filled with dancing and music and flickering candlelight, but even as I gazed upon Madame de Pompadour's heaving bosom, I missed Rose. She would've looked lovely in an eighteenth-century gown of shimmering silk and delicate embroidery, with so much exposed décolleté. And while she would've adored having so many Frenchmen flirting with her, she'd be even prouder of the fact that at the end of the evening it would be my arm she'd walk away on.

I left without accepting the chance to sleep with one of the most famous women in human history, but I didn't advertise that fact to Rose and Mickey. In fact, I left my shirt half-unbuttoned and rumpled my hair to lead them to the opposite conclusion. The scent of French perfume lingered on my skin even as I rescued the two of them from the clockwork droids.

I'd driven a wedge between us; now I had to make it permanent.

When the chance arose, I snatched the excuse of having to rescue Madame de Pompadour from the clockwork assassins. Before Rose could insist on coming with me, I jumped onto a horse and crashed right through a glass window overlooking the ballroom at Versailles. It happened to be the only working portal on the ship, and it immediately shut behind me—effectively stranding me in France's tumultuous history and stranding Rose and Mickey on a derelict spaceship three thousand years in their future.

_I won't leave you behind_, I'd promised. What sort of a man did that make me?

Fortunately, Reinette possessed wisdom as well as beauty. Knowing that I needed the freedom of all Time and Space, she led me to the one remaining time portal, her childhood fireplace. I wished I could have gotten to know her better, without the shadow of using her to hurt Rose. Time was fluid... perhaps I would get the chance again.

With a heavy heart, I returned to the TARDIS. My two companions could have used the emergency programme to go home, they could've left me even as I'd left them, but they hadn't. For them, only five and a half hours had passed. The damage inflicted would take much longer than that to fix, but I had no intention of trying to mend it. In fact, I made it worse by announcing my intent to bring Reinette along as a third companion. I knew that by the time I returned through the portal too much time would have passed, that Reinette would be too ill to leave Versailles or have already died, but it added insult to injury.

Rose hid her hurt very well, but I could feel her broken heart. The pieces fit the shards of my own exactly.

-oo-O-oo-

A gulf stood between us. And though it had been of my own doing, it nearly killed me. I managed for awhile, but then we lost Mickey in a parallel world. I could do nothing to ease Rose's pain, nothing that wouldn't be dangerous, anyway. I wanted to hug her, to kiss her until she smiled, but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

The hardest part came when I took Rose to 1950s London by accident. It should've been one of the safest places to be: the Queen's coronation, a blue motorbike, a bit of fun and games. But when has safe ever really been safe when I'm around?

I'd never felt more helpless than when I saw Rose with her face missing, her beautiful features erased. It frightened me more than anything. I might never again see her eyes sparkle with mischief or delight. Never again feel a flood of joy at her grin when we step out into a new world? Never again hear her laugh at my clumsy attempts to impress her? Most hauntingly, I might have forever lost my chance to kiss Rose Tyler; to watch her gaze up at me while we make love; to feel her lips brush against my ear as she whispers sweet nothings. A Time Lord shouldn't care about such trivial matters. A Time Lord ought to be above such things as joy and love.

But try as I might, I could not stop loving her. For the first time, I faced the realization that I did not want to live without her.

When I defeated the Wire, I did it to prevent millions of British citizens from suffering the same disturbing fate—no one deserved to have their face sucked off!—but most of all, I did it for Rose, that I might look on her again and see that smile she reserves just for me.

I saw her again, whole and beautiful, and the carefully constructed barriers began to crack. It seems you cannot bury love and expect it to stay hidden.

We hugged, ecstatic to be in each other's arms after this adventure-gone-wrong, and instead of letting go, as I would have done even a few hours before, I held on as tightly as I could. Rose's cheek pressed against mine; I could feel her breath against my ear. The wall started to crumble.

She pulled away but I wouldn't let her go far. I cupped her face in my hands. "I'm sorry. So very, very sorry."

Her eyes widened with surprise. "But it wasn't your fault, Doctor. I shouldn't have gone into Magpie's shop alone. I should've waited for you. Wasn't just a quick wander off—t'was investigating. We always used to do that together."

And I saw the pain in her expression when she said that. I couldn't afford to make another mistake. If I did this, if I retracted my stance and let Rose love me, I couldn't take it back. If I tried, I'd lose her forever.

Was this what I wanted? Was I willing to have a short time of happiness and then suffer a crushing defeat when I finally lost her? She might swear she would never leave me, but sooner or later she would. All humans die, eventually. Could I watch her age? Could I stand by a gray-haired Rose with arthritis and all the other ailments that come with old age? Some instinct told me that I wouldn't have to—that I would lose her long before she grew too tired to run with me. But it didn't matter. Whether I lost her tomorrow or a hundred years from now, I would cherish every moment spent basking in her love. I had no other choice.

With my mind made up and my hearts in my throat, I did what I'd always longed to do. I kissed Rose.

Her lips were soft and sweet, like rose petals drizzled with honey. I savored her sweetness and knew that I had developed an oral fixation in this regeneration for one reason only: to taste Rose.

I saw her uncertainty when she drew back. She wanted it as much as I did. But I'd hurt her too much. I'd pushed her away, made it plain that I did not want her love. Could she see through the lie?

"Rose..."

She touched her mouth and shook her head. She took a step backward, her eyes lowered to hide her confusion and distress. "I'm going back to the TARDIS. Need a look in the mirror, make sure everything's all there and in the right place."

"Rose, wait." I grabbed her hand and laced my fingers through hers.

She stood for a long moment, facing away from me, her arm stretched out between us. Finally she turned, but didn't move closer. Her eyes met mine, but I couldn't read her expression. "These past few months, I've hurt you, Rose. That's what I was apologizing for."

She shrugged it off, looking uncomfortable, but she kept her tone light. "What, you apologizing, for real? Now I know the world's come to an end. S'all right. Don't worry about it, yeah?"

"No, it's not all right. It's far from all right." I let go of her hand and took her by the shoulders. "Look, Rose, I can explain. But it's... complicated."

"Always is with you. Time Lord—can't do anything the easy way, can you?" She gave a slight smile that didn't encourage me.

I didn't know what to say. Her pain surrounded her like a fog, a living thing that solidified around her heart to protect it. It would take more than an apology and some pretty words to break through that, to reach her, to convince her that I wouldn't hurt her again. I slid one hand up her neck and ran my thumb along her jaw. Her skin felt so soft beneath my fingertips that it nearly distracted me from my purpose. I tried to look as serious and sincere as I could. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, Rose. It was wrong of me. Very wrong. I had my reasons, but they were stupid._ I_ was stupid! A fool, for thinking I could ever pretend that I didn't... that I didn't _care_ for you as much as I do."

"What're you saying?" She looked at me warily, but I could see a crack in her defenses.

"I'm saying... that I was an idiot. And that you are brilliant and beautiful. And that it doesn't matter if we only have a few years together, or a few days, or a few decades. What matters is what we do with the time we have."

"Yeah? What happened to me withering and dying? That's still going to happen."

I winced at those words, then took a deep breath and let it out. "It took me a long time to figure it out, but the truth is, it's going to hurt when I lose you, and that pain won't be any less whether we're just friends or something more. My hearts will break just the same. But if we don't waste the time we have, then at least I'll have those memories to get me through the dark times."

Rose ducked her head for a moment. When she raised it again, I saw a glimmer of tears in her eyes. "You just assume that I _want_ something more. You just _assume_ that I..."

I lifted her chin, not letting her hide. "Time Lord, remember?"

"What, d'you mean you've been reading my thoughts or sorting through my mind or something?"

She looked horrified and I quickly reassured her. "No. I'd never do that unless you wanted me to, Rose. You have to believe that."

"So it's just me being obvious, then, yeah? Stupid human can't even hide her feelings."

I put a finger to her lips. "Don't ever say that again. You are _not_ stupid. C'mere."

I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her. She tucked her head under my chin and I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt. It would get mascara stains on it, but I didn't care. As she pressed against me, I could sense her letting go, preparing to take the risk that I meant what I'd said. After awhile she looked up at me and I smiled down at her, wiping tears and damp makeup away. "Tell you a secret," I said.

"Which one? You got hundreds of 'em."

"Oh, thousands, at least!" I winked at her, then sobered my expression. Right by her ear, I whispered, "I'm terrified."

She stared blankly at me. How often had I admitted fear? For a moment she started to stiffen, as though expecting some external threat, but then she understood what I meant and looked at me curiously.

"Oh, yes," I continued, "Scared starkers. Never done anything like this. Put both my hearts right out on the line where a stray bird could fly down and carry them off to its nest and tear them into a dozen pieces for its hatchlings to feed upon. That's what it feels like, doesn't it? Vulnerable. Naked."

"Well, not yet," she said, nudging me. "But maybe if you're lucky..."

I blinked. And then I blushed. Me, a Time Lord—the last Time Lord in all of creation, blushed at the gentle innuendo of one Earth girl. Or rather, one Time Lord's companion, for Rose Tyler had quit Earth some time ago. She belonged to the stars, now. To all of Time and Space.

And, it seemed, to me.

"That mean you accept my apology?" I asked, linking my arm in hers as we made our way back to the TARDIS.

"Well, mostly."

"Mostly?" I raised my eyebrows. "Ah, let me guess. I have a lot of making up to do, yeah?"

"Yeah." She grinned, walking backwards in front of me. Her pink skirt swished around her knees with each step.

I scratched behind one ear. "All right, I deserve that. What's first on the list, then—a trip home? See your mum?"

"Are you kidding? Mum's the last person I want to see right now!"

"Really? Why's that, then?"

"Come on, she'd take one look at us and know exactly what we've been up to."

"Have we been up to something?" I asked innocently.

"Not yet, but we will have been."

That certainly sounded promising... In the doorway of the TARDIS, I grinned and pulled Rose to me. I spoke in between brief kisses. "You... Rose Tyler... are... an amazing woman. Have I ever mentioned that before?"

Before answering, she kissed me back: a long, sweet tangle of lips and tongues that left me breathless and lightheaded, with both my hearts palpitating. She basked in the dazed look on my face and said, "I think I could get used to this."

In all honesty, so could I.

The TARDIS doors swung shut behind us, and I tugged Rose along with me to the console. I set the coordinates for someplace quiet and a little bit romantic, somewhere we could take the time to get to know each other again, without the masks in place. Now that I had let go of denial, I didn't want to waste a single moment. I intended to heal the wounds that I had caused.

I still didn't know how long we would have together. She might never leave me, and I could not imagine leaving her behind, but life has a way of determining its own outcome. I did know that I would make the most of every second we had.

I might only get a taste of Rose's splendor, but oh, how wonderful it would be.

_(fin)_

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_**Author's Notes:** I wrote this to explain why the Doctor acted the way he did during _The Girl in the Fireplace, _and why his behavior abruptly changed after _The Idiot's Lantern. _To me, none of it made sense. It seemed as though there were important events happening between the episodes. So, I guessed what sort of events those might be and this story is the result. Thanks to **Little Zink** for beta-reading!_

_This story contains quotes from the episode _School Reunion. _The "goa'uld" are not my creation, they come from _Stargate: SG-1_, which belongs to Brad Wright and MGM. However, their context within this story is my own invention.__  
_


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